Children are often more aware of what’s going on than adults realise. They are very sensitive to the atmosphere of the house, and in many situations see or hear the abuse directly or its consequences. Each child responds differently to domestic abuse. One child may appear to cope well, while another may be very upset. All children are affected by domestic abuse.
‘……one night he came in drunk and I wanted to take the kids home to see my mother for her birthday and he said no. He started screaming and roaring all these things at me…..and then he ran upstairs and got the kids out of their sleep and when I tried to stop him he started hitting me and the kids were trying to push him away, crying, begging him to leave mammy alone.’
Fear, distress, confusion and disruption are frequent effects. Children may feel ashamed or blame themselves for the situation. Some children have difficulty sleeping or have nightmares. Some children lose interest in school. Some older children may want to help or protect their mother. The abuse can have both short-term or long-term effects on the children.
“I thought maybe they were safe from it all, but……it’s not until you leave that you realise that they were actually experiencing it as well. I used to think, oh, I’ll keep quiet, they won’t know.”
You can help your children by giving them the opportunity to talk and by listening to what they say. Children can benefit by talking to someone they trust. Children want to be told what is going on. If you are planning any changes, let them know. Think about what is appropriate and safe to tell them, depending on how old they are.
If you would like more information about the effects that living in a home where there is domestic abuse may have on children, you can talk to someone in your local women's surpport service. Most women’s refuges and support services have childcare workers who can listen to your concerns. They will listen to your children and may also have support groups for children.
If you would like to read more information about the possible effects on children of living in a home where there is domestic abuse, please click here to view a valuable publication produced by Barnardos.
Your partner may use many tactics to control your behavior and stop you from leaving. One tactic often used is telling you that you are a ‘bad mother’, and that he will have the children taken from you if you try to leave.
It is the policy of the TUSLA to keep the children at home whenever possible. A social worker can help you put together a Safety Plan or bring you to a safe place, if that is what you want.
“I don’t know why I believed him, I don’t know why. Just, maybe it was just drummed into me for so long that I was a bad mother, I believed what he said. I thought they (professionals) must be saying this.”
If you feel that your children are not safe when your partner is around, contact any person who you think can help. This may be a women’s refuge/support service, the Gardai, a social worker or other TULSA worker, or your doctor. Arrangements will be made for the situation to be investigated once your concerns have been reported to TULSA workers with responsibility in this area, or to a member of the Gardai. The safety and best interests of your children are always the most important consideration in any investigation.
“I heard a choking sound from the bedroom. I walked in and he had my son by the throat…..he wouldn’t let go no matter how much I begged and pleaded…”
If you have any concerns about reporting your worries regarding child abuse, or want more information, contact your public health nurse or the TULSA. For more information click here.