Living with Domestic Abuse

"I made the decision to stay in the relationship. At that time it was the right decision for me. At the moment I am in the refuge. I know if I make the decision to leave it will be because I want to, and not because somebody is telling me to."

It is important to give yourself time out to think about what is the best thing for you to do. You need to make the decision that feels right for you. You may decide that you want to make a new beginning in an independent life away from the abuse. You may decide that you want to stay in the relationship with the hope that the abuse will end. You may decide that you need a break from the relationship for a while.

It may not feel like it is your decision to start with. You may feel that you can't think about what you want, but only what he wants. Take one day at a time and see what seems to be the right thing to do for now.

It is not always easy to work out what to do for the best. You will make a decision when you are ready. You know your own situation better than anyone else. For some women, a decision is quickly made. For others, it is a long process. Many women leave and return to the relationship several times.

Options that may help you decide about your and your children's future:

• talking to a women’s service support worker
• joining a support group for women in abusive relationships
• engaging in individual counselling
• joining a personal development course

You can find out more about these options from your nearest Women's Refuge or Support Service.

"It's just being able to go and talk and knowing that the women in the support group are in the same boat....you know, it makes a whole heap of difference knowing that you're not on your own"

Can individual counselling help?

Counselling is a confidential talking therapy where you have the opportunity to explore your feelings and concerns. An accredited counsellor may help you to think about what it is you want to change and how you want to change it. If you go to individual counselling it may help you, but it will not stop his abusive behaviour. If you are considering counselling, ask a Women's Refuge or Support Service for the names of counsellors who have experience of domestic abuse situations.

Can the abuse stop but not the relationship?

"It started before we got married but I thought it would change. It went on for twelve years before I left. It was just the pattern of the marriage."

Domestic abuse is rarely a one-off event. There may be good times in the relationship, but tension may build up again and the abuse returns. He may tell you that he is sorry and promise to change, but this promise may be broken. If he accepts that he is doing something seriously wrong, and he takes action to change, there is a chance that he may stop his abuse. This is unlikely if he does not take responsibility for his abuse. If he is serious about taking responsibility he will engage with a service that may be helpful to him such as MOVE (Men Overcoming Violence).

"In the beginning it was not every week or month but twice a year or so. He'd always had a temper, but he never took it out on me, until I said something he didn't agree with then I'd get a thump. Even though I felt I was right, he'd have to be right. The more kids I had the more abusive he became."

What can I do to protect myself?

If you are staying in the relationship, either just for now or for the long term, you can take steps to help protect yourself from the abuse.

Ask for help

Women's refuges and support services can offer you support and information to help you to protect yourself.

"I forget now what brought it to a head but a friend of mine was here one Monday. He'd gone off for the day and left me penniless. I'd no milk. I'd no food. I'd no cigarettes. I had nothing and was really annoyed at him and I told her about it and she said I should do something about it. I contacted the refuge and that was the best thing I ever did.....we were married for eleven years when I contacted the refuge. I was going over to the refuge for about a year for advice visits...."

Write a Safety Plan

A 'Safety Plan' will help you to be prepared for action if at some point you need to leave the house in a hurry to protect yourself and your children.
You can make your own Safety Plan - click here to see the Safety Plan Guide.

You may feel that your partner will never be abusive towards you again, but it is still a good idea to make a Safety Plan. Just in case you ever need to put it into action, it will always be ready.

If you feel you are in danger at any time you can call the Gardai. They have a duty to help and protect you. For a list of local Garda stations click here or to see the Garda Siochana Victims Charter click here.

Seek legal protection

You can take legal action to help protect you from the abuse while you are in the relationship. The best option for many women is to apply for a safety order from the district court. This requires your partner not to use or threaten abuse towards you and the children. If he breaks a safety order the Gardai can arrest him - click here for more information on legal protection.